Today, tonight, I thought of you, and I realized that I have spent more years missing you than I ever had with you. The thought is almost painful. So much of my life has happened without you here. All of my adult life. And there are still nights when I would give anything for a little more time with you. I wish you could have known my children and learned each of their faces. I wish they could have known yours. I wish my oldest could have cooked for you using the only recipe I learned from you. I wish I could have shown you my writing. I wish you could meet the man I became and see how much of him was inspired by you.
I would take one more Christmas with you, one more Halloween, or just one more day at your side with nowhere else to be. I think about what I know now and everything I have learned since you have been gone. There are things I know as a man that I could never have known as a child. Sometimes I wonder if I could have noticed something sooner. If I could have known what questions to ask. If somehow I could have helped you. When I was little, I promised you that one day I would take care of you. I meant it. I believed there would always be enough time for me to grow up and keep that promise. I thought one day I would know enough and have enough to give some of what you had given me back to you. I was wrong.
Now you live in the memories of the people who loved you. I carry you in the food I make, in the love I give my children, and in the Christmas traditions you gave me. There are still so many little pieces of you in my life. Every day I miss you, but I also miss everything that never got the chance to happen. I miss watching you meet my children. I miss wondering what you would have said about my writing and the choices I have made. I miss the chance to sit beside you as a grown man and tell you what your grandson became. I hope you would have been proud of me.
Goodnight, Grandma. Sweet dreams.
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